wishing: sleep
thinking: my back hurts
hearing: soul meets body, death cab for cutie
Boy, am I tired. It’s been a long two days. I didn’t get around to writing until after 1:30 last night, and when I finally sat down, I just wasn’t feeling it, so I gave up. Sorry, I guess. I’m sure you know how it goes when the inspiration isn’t there.
Yesterday I had my hair done. I just had it trimmed, and my stylist re-straightened it. I didn’t really want her to, but it looked good once she had. It had been straightened for four days before then, too. I was beginning to get bored with straight hair. Then I went to hang out with Nick for the afternoon. We watched some soccer and Return of the King, and talked, a lot. We then went out to dinner at a really nice restaurant in downtown, where we looked out over the city. The restaurant is at the top of one of the taller hotels in the city, and looks out over Cook Inlet, the Port of Anchorage, and the full city. It’s a beautiful, yet really expensive restaurant, but we had a great time. We then came back to my house and mostly hung out and talked to my parents. My mother called him “charming.”
Today, we went and saw Fun with Dick and Jane, which was really cute. We went out to Earthquake Park and shared a King Kong whopper from Burger King, too. We mostly just spent time together, hanging out. It’s nice that we can get along so well after what happened.
I also went out to dinner with my mom, an old friend from Girl Scouts, and her mom, at a really nice restaurant in town. We mostly just chatted, but I realized that she really has been a great friend, and that I need to make sure I keep in contact with her as time goes by. No, really. With like, letters and things and my putting in actual effort.
I can be such a lazy friend sometimes.
On the way home, my mom mentioned what a perfectionist I am, and how hard I have always been on myself. And I was thinking about forgiveness, because that’s a big thing that Nick and I have been working on. And I realize that forgiveness is a gift I give to others, and not a luxury I afford myself. I never think I deserve anyone else’s forgiveness, and when they give it to me, I then feel like I can’t forgive myself, even if they do. I guess I just feel like a lot of the things I’ve done are irreconcilable, and I can’t always comprehend that people are reconciling with me.
A lot of the stuff I’ve done, I would have a hard time forgiving others for. If I can’t forgive others for it, how could I possibly forgive myself? It would feel like a double standard. So I suppose the key to my learning to forgive myself would be in that I have to learn to forgive others. Once I feel like I can forgive other people for their mistakes, I will begin to give myself permission to forgive myself.
XOXO,
Your V.
Head in Seattle, Heart in London 