Clarity. Blissful insight. Optimism, and a sense of direction. These were the blessings I woke up with, after the simple fact that I relinquished control last night. It’s paradoxical that in writing a list of things I want to do and thus assuming control of my future, I also let go of the things that I couldn’t have. Namely, the dream, the hope, the prayer that I could stay in London after this year is simply not possible. Financially and professionally, and personally too, it’s not the right place to be. I just had to accept that. Or let go of it. It’s hard to tell which.
In seizing upon a new path and city (Seattle, baby!), suddenly lights started coming on in that direction. I woke up with my head full of Clint Dempsey and his four-year contract with the Seattle Sounders. Food trucks on city corners came back into my life (as did the idea of weekend road-trips to Portland, where food trucks remain king). Friends from the city started emailing back with suggestions and support. I had lunch with another MBA who lives there now, and he gave me ideas for neighborhoods to look at. The smell of the ocean, the visions of blue sky and green trees, and a strange nostalgia overwhelms me. This isn’t home, because Alaska isn’t home anymore, but it reminds me of going back to my roots, and at the same time not. It’s moving into the future, while getting some time in a place that offers the better parts of my past.
But the facts and figures, the sensorium of Seattle, the daily life that I’m going to have, was nothing compared with the inner peace I felt from having a path, and feeling like I had chosen it. It’s not the first choice, but it’s the second choice. It’s not forever, it’s for a few years. It’s a good place, with good people and good food. It will be new and adventurous if I let it be. I just have to let it be.