Desire & Destiny: Day 3

I am again working to complete a meditation challenge from Oprah & Deepak at the Chopra Center for Meditation. This one, titled Desire and Destiny, is a 21-day exercise, with daily 15 minute meditations. I’m attempting to journal every day using the prompts provided in the program, and would like to share my feelings here. Not as a narrative or organized fashion, but more for my own posterity.

Day 3: Confident Me

Make a list of the areas in your life that feel like a struggle. Use this writing time to let it all out; write until you feel complete.
I feel like accepting myself is still a struggle. Coming to terms with who I am and how that fits in among other people is uncomfortable and I’m not sure it will ever go away. Sometimes, I think that I will never experience life as other people do, and that I will always wonder if I am good enough for what life gives me. Over time I have come to accept this feeling, but it’s also hard because I don’t think it will ever go away. I worry that my inherent self-doubt is the greatest burden I will carry, maybe because I’m smart enough to see it, or too stupid to put it aside. I struggle to connect with others in a healthy way because I can’t figure out which is the case. I struggle to accept love.

Reflecting on the answers to question one, describe how some or all of your perceived struggles might be blocking abundance in your life. Take this time to write how you can reframe your reaction to perceived struggle. Is there an action or actions that will provide a sense of relief? What are the ways that you can create a sense of peace, openness, and awareness during times that struggle shows up in your life?
Obviously, all of the things I struggle with create a series of barriers around me that prevent me from experiencing the abundance I could receive. They isolate me, or rather I allow them to isolate me, and because I feel isolated, I feel even more secure in my concerns about difference and unlovability. I have, over time, learned to simply stop some of these thoughts: that I don’t deserve good things in my life, that I am unworthy of certain things and so much settle for others, that I inherently unlovable. Each time I block one, others seem to appear. However, by considering them as barriers, rather than as means of protecting myself from hurt and pain, it helps me see that they aren’t helpful, or rather their helpfulness is far outweighed by the hurt they cause. I wish I had a mantra to remind me of this when it happens.

What are you grateful for today?
I am grateful for the people in my life who support me. I am coming to understand that my destiny is my own: I control it, I am the one who lives with it, and only my self-acceptance is really important for my happiness. At the same time, I could not live my life–determining who I am, what I stand for, and what I intend to manifest in the world–without others to teach, guide, and support me.

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