Gnawing, biting, breaking, hacking, burning.

Sometimes I forget that life is about ups and downs. When I’ve been on an even keel for quite a while, with only little bumps along the road, I forget that for every yesterday’s-blog-post kind of day, there’s a fair chance of a today’s-blog-post kind of day too. They’re not necessarily related, but they might be. In today’s case, they’re completely unrelated in any way other than that my life yesterday is still my life today.

The hardest thing is that I wish I were more along the continuum of normal about dealing with situations where I feel like I’m letting someone down. Maybe it’s poor ego-strength, maybe it’s Catholic guilt, or maybe it’s a lack of self-confidence, but when I feel like I’m doing something which upsets another person, it makes me quite unwell. It’s even worse when I feel this way and can’t do anything about it. The thought of my own behavior being displeasing to another person, most especially if I don’t have all of the information about why I’m causing displeasure, eats away at me. It’s an insidious thought which gnaws at my focus, unleashes otherwise tame demons inside me, and makes me an emotional mess.

Which is to say, you all get to hear about it; aren’t you lucky?!

I don’t know how to fix this ‘character flaw.’ (I’d like to think that being upset that I’m upsetting others is actually a good thing in moderation, and I merely need to learn a better system for dealing with these situations… but I also don’t know what a better system looks like. Most people seem to just pretend they’re not being assholes when they are.) I want to be able to fix things when I know they’re not right, especially when it’s my own behavior. Being unable to do so–either from lack of information or lack of skills–is an insufferable feeling.

Instead, I will just try to figure out a series of things to tell myself to remind myself about not overreacting, not reading too much into it, and how my own reactions are the only things within my control. I have a feeling this is what most people learn to do on their own, and I just have to catch up on this coping skill.

Maybe it’s a good thing I always have something I’m working on. Gives me plenty of structure in my life.


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